I LIKE THIS ARTICLE FROM TODAY'S EVERETT HERALD
One thing I would add:
If you want to do something
that would help
please offer a specific
thing or two you are willing to do
rather than just
telling the survivor to call you,
--or that you will do anything. -- Really?
We know others have a
life and are busy, too.
No way is it easy to
request something
that may not be what
someone is comfortable doing.
http://www.heraldnet.com/article/20150815/LIVING/150819614 --AUGUST 15, 2015
Tips on talking with
someone who has cancer
By Mary Kay Jurovcik
Special to The Herald
There are times
in our lives when we know exactly what to say.
When someone
gets married or has a baby or graduates from college, we say,
“Congratulations.” When we meet someone new, we say, “Nice to meet you.” When
someone loses a loved one, we say, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
When someone is
diagnosed with cancer, we often don’t know what to say. Just starting a
conversation can be difficult because there is no presupposed way to talk to
someone who has cancer.
It’s important
to remember that the cancer survivor is still the same person you knew before,
and much about that person has not changed. But even for someone who you are
close to, discussing a cancer diagnosis and treatment isn’t likely something
you have practiced.
I’d like to
offer these tips on how to talk to someone who is living with cancer:
Let the survivor guide
the conversation.
Some survivors
will give you every detail about their diagnosis and treatment. Some would
prefer to remain private about what’s happening to them.
I suggest
following the survivor’s lead when it comes to discussing the details of the
disease.
I’m quite open
about my experience, but I know some survivors who consider the details of
their diagnosis and treatment to be on a need-to-know basis.
If they say
they are OK, they are OK.
My survivor
friend Lauren says when she told people she was doing fine while in treatment,
they didn’t believe her. They would press her by asking, “I mean, how are you
really doing?”
If a survivor
tells you she is doing OK, she probably means it. Maybe she is masking her true
feelings for your sake, but I’d suggest taking her at face value. Sometimes, we
just don’t feel like talking about it.
So…
Talk about something
else.
One of the
hardest things about cancer is that it takes over your whole life. Sometimes
it’s the last thing in the world you want to talk about. Visiting with a
survivor and talking about everything except cancer can be so helpful.
When I was in
treatment, my friends sometimes worried about complaining or talking about
mundane things. Often, there was nothing I wanted to hear about more than their
regular, non-cancer lives.
Be careful of comparisons.
Pretty much
everyone knows someone who’s had breast cancer, so when I discussed my
diagnosis with others, they often wanted to tell me about the person in their
lives who had the disease.
My friend
Karen, also a survivor, remarked to me once that it was least helpful to hear
stories about people who had passed from the disease.
While it’s
natural to want to relate to the survivor by sharing other peoples’
experiences, remember that every patient, every person and every experience is
different. The details of your neighbor’s or friend’s diagnosis and treatment
might be quite different from the survivor you’re hearing from now.
Advice is great when
it’s requested.
I got some
wonderful advice while I was in treatment from other survivors and from friends
and family. But, there is a lot of less helpful and misguided advice for cancer
patients out there, too. If survivors are receiving treatment, they are being
cared for by a team of medical professionals.
At Providence,
we don’t just have oncologists. We have access to nutritionists, financial
counselors, therapists, classes and support groups.
While sending
articles about new treatments or ideas might seem helpful, it might be more
than the survivor is able to process. Wait for the survivor to ask for advice,
and if you choose to share something, be careful that it comes from a reputable
source.
Sometimes the sun isn’t
shining.
Especially when
treatment ends, survivors are sometimes expected to just be “OK” — whatever
that means. Survivorship can be hard, and it can be difficult to remain
positive all the time. Even for generally cheery people, the weight of cancer
can bring on the gray clouds.
Bear in mind
that the survivor’s life has changed dramatically since his diagnosis. Accept
that he might be blue sometimes, and that your support is still vitally
important.
Be careful
about minimizing the survivor’s feelings by offering artificially positive
statements like, “It could be worse,” or “It will be better soon.” This may or
may not be true, but it probably won’t improve the survivor’s mood.
Reach out.
I had many
people tell me to reach out to them when I needed help, but while in treatment,
I was so drained, just looking at my phone seemed like a colossal task. Don’t wait for the survivor to call you.
Reach out to him or her. Call, text, show up (if that’s OK with the survivor).
Treatment can be very isolating, and survivors often just need friends to come
spend time.
Mary Kay Jurovcik is a
Lake Stevens wife, mother, writer and breast cancer survivor. At the age of 33,
with no family history or prior experience with cancer, she was diagnosed with
stage 2B, HER2+ breast cancer. Jurovcik is documenting her journey on a
personal website, BoldSurvivor.com, and contributes to the Providence Regional
Cancer Partnership website.
